My mental health was a mess
When I was suffering with Postnatal Depression I couldn’t see that light at the end of the tunnel. Even after seeing the Doctors and feeling much better mentally I felt like our marriage was still rocky. Mainly because I was guilty of being so ill and with that I was an awful wife. I was on antidepressants and I was starting to feel much better, thankfully sooner than the Doctor said I would. Maybe it’s because I had spoken about my feelings and it was out there in the open. It really was a truly awful year and little did I know , the worst yet was still to come, a Miscarriage.
I wee’d on a stick and it came up straight away, that second line. I was pregnant, we were pregnant. Fred was only around 7/8 months old. After the initial shock we were happy. We felt that this was meant to be, were back to our normal happy self’s and we spent all of our spare time chatting about how if its a boy we can re-use all of Fred’s baby things, If it’s a girl then I’ll be able to go on a shopping spree. We had taken a day out to our local fruit farm to ‘pick’ pumpkins and when we were there we found a tiny little one and I had a great idea! Lets use this teeny one to announce our pregnancy after the scan.
I am bleeding – is this a Miscarriage?
I was 11weeks and 4 days pregnant and had a urine infection. I remember finding blood when I was at the loo, It was the faintest amount of pink but it slowly got stronger. I called the hospital who advised me everything was absolutely fine and that its completely normal when you have a urine infection. I couldn’t help but feel like I was going through another miscarriage.
I remember messaging my friend Danielle and telling her how scared I really was. She was so lovely, trying her best to reassure me I just didn’t feel right. Starting to pass large clots and panicking I called the Midwife led unit again, this time crying but I was told once again it is completely normal. I went to bed that night a mess after calling the MLU 18 times in whole. Tony lay next to me cuddling in and helping me drift off to sleep. I woke just before 5am I’d passed what I could only explain as being a large Foetus, a miscarriage?. Tony called our local hospital instead and they told us to get to A&E asap.
I am so sorry
Not wanting to badger the neighbours we woke the kids and took them to the hospital with us. We were taken to the gynaecology ward and I was to await a scan. I was bleeding a lot more, the clots were now massive and somehow I felt empty. I was becoming dizzy and faint. I’d lost a lot of blood, when I was taken for a scan, I couldn’t stand without passing clots. The sonographer was angry, angry and upset that I had been left so long without a scan. I remember her well, she had short hair, tattoos and she was ever so lovely. She stroked my arm and without looking at me said ” I am so sorry sweetheart, there’s nothing there” I couldn’t speak really. I thanked her as I was wheeled away.
I was taken back to our side room where Tony smiled as I entered. I shook my head, climbed onto the bed and cried. I remember looking around to where Emily was keeping Fred entertained, she looked at me with her innocent little eyes. Tony explained that unfortunately the baby had passed
As a family we cried and hugged eachother. I had to stay in for observations.
My own bed
I was discharged a few days later, home to my own bed. I am no longer pregnant, I don’t feel sick anymore, I am empty. We tried to talk about our baby as we usually would have. Emily came to us upset, crying because the baby hasn’t made into the world. Unable to do the things she can do, unable to travel the world. Emily wanted to do something to keep the babies memory alive. She decided we should send off a Message in a Bottle, so we did. One stormy night in November , I am sure the bottle smashed off the rocks, but I didn’t dare say anything.
I’ve had a miscarriage , so what now?
It doesn’t really matter how far along your pregnancy journey you were when you had a miscarriage, it still makes you a mum. You grew a baby! and it’s tough to learn your pregnancy is no longer viable, its upsetting. You have every right to be upset, this was your child. Don’t allow yourself to become ‘just a statistic’ remember your little one the best you can. Over 80% of miscarriages happen at the start of pregnancy, usually before 12 weeks. I think out of every man or woman we meet atleast 50% of them have suffered a miscarriage. Isn’t that an awful thought?
I’ve just had a read of Carol’s story over at ICENIMAGAZINE our stories are so similar. It is crazy to think that so many of us go through miscarriage yet it isn’t spoken about enough. Carol’s advice is very like my own and always remember this is not your fault.
I am pregnant and bleeding what do I do?
Firstly, don’t panic. There are many causes for us to bleed in pregnancy and it doesn’t always mean a miscarriage, although it is completely natural to think this way. It is fairly common and sometimes there doesn’t seem to be an actual reason as I found with my last pregnancy- I bled from 8-13 weeks. If you are under 20 weeks pregnant and you have discovered a bleed the NHS recommend that you call NHS 24 on 111.
When I suffered the loss our our baby a friend invited me to a group on facebook called SiMBA, Simpsons Memory Box Appeal. Simba donate Memory Boxes to help families to gather precious items of the time that they have to spend with their baby. They refurbish Family Rooms giving families and peaceful homely place in the hospital to send time with their baby. In conjunction with CHAS they offer free advanced bereavement and palliative care study days for midwives and hospital staff. Adding a leaf onto the Tree of Tranquillity shows parents that they are not alone in their loss and acts as a place to remember and reflect. They also offer monthly bereavement support groups across Scotland, 24 hour online support and organise family friendly awareness events throughout the year.
SiMBA isn’t just a charity they are a family.