My experience with postnatal depression came from nowhere
My experience of having postnatal depression kind of leapt at me. It took two years of trying before we conceived Fred, he was so wanted, so loved already. Emily was excited to become a big sister – even if baby was a boy. When Fred was born we were smitten, he was perfect. It soon changed, I changed and I became obsessive. It felt as if I’d wrapped the kids in a ball of cotton wool and anyone near was damaging it, wearing my trust thinner. I needed to protect them, and myself.
I’d become such a horrible person, hated everyone and made sure they knew it, if you had previously hurt me I was like a ticking time bomb awaiting my revenge on you. I didn’t give two fucks who I upset, became so obsessive over the kids. Fred didn’t sleep much as he suffered with terrible colic. Tony always offered or even tried to do the night feeds but I would wake and watch him, then I’d tell him it was done wrong. He couldn’t do right for doing wrong. I became so judgemental of other mums, and extremely jealous of those mums who all had their shit together.
Anxiety, that was something else. I genuinely thought everyone was out to harm me, to hurt me. everyone is against me, they all think I’m a bad mum. my neighbour fell out with me because of something petty. She then started banging on the walls and ceilings every fucking hour. She was tormenting us, this only made me worse. My anxiety was through the roof, I couldn’t even bare going to the shop for a loaf of bread.
I remember crying when Tony left for work in India. He called me all the time and I knew he was ok because he was with a good work friend. I was also jealous, he can have fun out there with his friends, drinking and working, meals out etc.
It was just me and the kids at home, I thought I would be ok. When I look back it hurts me, it hurts me because I was so horrible to Emily. I was on at her for the slightest thing. If she had put the cereal away when she was finished I’d lose it. She ‘should have known I wanted it after her’.
The whole two weeks Tone was away I think I slept about 4 hours. Between flashbacks of Fred’s birth & Fred’s colic I couldn’t settle. I remember driving along to the shops and I drove along a straight road. I could smash into that wall at 130mph and kill us both I thought to myself. I’d speed up. Fred would cry, reality would hit. I’d be home a sobbing mess for the rest of the day. This happened on more than one occasion.
Our marriage is over
I accused Tony every single day of cheating on me, loving another woman. I outed him on Facebook, I slagged him off to everyone I knew. Deep down I was just afraid. Afraid he didn’t love me for the woman I had become, a depressed rocket ready to fire anytime.
Tony had enough and called the Health Visitor, told her I needed help. She called me when I went AWOL and, left a message on my phone. I still remember her sweet caring voice and knew it was genuine. I called her back, told her I was absolutely fine. Lying again I told her my husband had been having an affair. Deep down I felt that she knew I was talking absolute bullshit. I was so scared though, what if she has to take my children away because she doesn’t think I can cope? Isn’t that what happens? – It is not what happens. Not unless this is your request or the kids are in immediate danger. Please never let that worry you, it consumed me.
That is all it took, a professional to be kind to me. I went home that day and we talked about a lot, all of my feelings etc. Later on that day I seen a GP who prescribed me medication, and gave me a list of organisations that could help. I wonder , If only everyone in the world was as kind, would we all be ok?.
Things do get better
I started feeling myself again, Emily was happier. Tony was happy again and I felt like our lives were getting back to normal. Throughout my hard times I realised who was actually there for me and who wasn’t. Those who took part in my “rants” on Facebook but didn’t dare ask how I was when I begged for help. Then there are the friends who give you their undivided attention only to send on your raw upsetting private messages to others. Those are the ones to keep away, the ones you don’t want to be involved in. They thrive on seeing you fail, watching you upset, angry and hurting. They are toxic.
I later found out Tony had asked my mum to support me and visit while he was in India, he trusted she would. She never did, she lives a 3 minute bus journey away from me and didn’t ever bother coming over. I suppose that’s got a lot to do with my anger, If my own mum can’t be arsed then who can I trust to help me?
My experience with postnatal depression has taught me a lot.
Dark times make the good times shine brighter.
Postnatal depression can show in many different ways. If you are reading this and you think you may be suffering with this then please make that first step and ask for help. Click this link for more details https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-natal-depression/symptoms/
If you’d like to reach out to me please use the contact form here http://www.mumsmadhoose.co.uk/about/us